Friendships

By Dani Meyler

I've started and restarted this installment numerous times, trying to find the proper way to articulate the intensely meticulous topic of friendship. Before I get into this (and it's going to be a long one), I want to start it off by disclaiming that I'm grateful for every friendship I have and have had, and by no means should any of this be taken personally :)

I recently took a trip to San Francisco, California, to visit my friends from college while we're on winter break. The trip itself was one of the most illuminating experiences of my life, and I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude and love. It's not even like we did anything crazy, but it has had me thinking a lot about genuine friendship and what, for me, that is. I've had a lot of friends throughout my life, some greater than others, and some I can't even closely consider being friends now. Regardless, what I've learned remains the same. 

In the last 5 months, I've seen friendship in a completely altered light. I've learned a lot about what a "good friend" means to me and what exactly that looks like. Arguably, friends are some of the most influential people in your life, and what you consider to be a "friend" is what makes all the impact. The people you surround yourself with intersect into all parts of your life. Your friends can play a role in decision-making, confidence, personality, etc. We are, at least partially, a product of the environment we indulge ourselves in. I mentioned in my confidence column that for a chunk of high school, I spent a lot of time trying to become someone I'm wasn't. Not just externally, but internally, emotionally. Unfortunately, I tried really hard to fit in with a crowd that, for the most part, I didn't really like. Sorry <3. To be fair, I'm sure a lot of them didn't like me either. And that, that was entirely the problem. In high school, there was this mutual understanding of "we might definitely talk shit about each other and leave each other out of things, but as far as anyone else knows, we're besties!". 

    This sort of toxicity went on for many years and for many other friend groups. Obviously, I was also guilty of this; I wouldn't be sitting here writing this for you all to read if I wasn't. I was a fucking bitch for most of high school, and most of that stemmed from now mended insecurity. This kind of asshole-ness literally started to affect my mood. Constantly being friends with people who had wronged me or I had wronged turned me into this negative person. Eventually, I started asking myself questions I consider imperative to a good friendship. Are the people that are in my life looking out for me? Have they, and will they continue to be there for me and support me without judgment? Are they uplifting me? Do they have my best interest at heart? Are they honest with me? Do we share similar interests? Do I actually enjoy hanging out with them? For me, this is what I needed to ask myself about a lot of my current "friends ."Am I doing the same for them? The answer for a lot of these people was entirely no. Now that doesn't mean I sent them a text saying, "Hey girl, fuck you, don't want to be friends anymore! ILY <3" but it does mean I gradually removed myself from their life.  

    In retrospect, how bizarre does it sound that I was supposedly friends with all these people, but we didn't treat each other like friends at all. Communication in any relationship is so important. I noticed from last friendships that I've had that instead of being mature and communicating boundaries or emotions, we would turn around and talk shit about each other instead. That creates resentment. In any case, talking shit about people you claim to be "friends" with (without valid reasoning) may seem like a fun waste of time, but at the end of the day, what are you gaining from that? The answer is nothing. Someone will always tell someone something, and it most likely will get misconstrued. The product of that is hurt feelings, drama, and a bad image on your part. I got so tired of that. Without sounding conceited or vain, because I can assure you, I'm not, it just came to a point where I was unhappy with who I was, and I wasn't projecting my emotions correctly nor prioritizing my needs. 

    I went into college intending to make friends and have people to spend time with and get along with, then I met these incredible people. People that taught me vulnerability and the power of communication and love. I made these fabulous friends; they wanted to know about me and my mental health, checked in on me, cared about my confidence and self-perception, and even taught me… how to cuddle… I'm being serious. I had this habit for many years of turning my problems into funny situations and never letting them surface or really talking about them, and it turned me off from conversation. It felt like I couldn't talk about anything else but make jokes because I wasn't sure if having those conversations with previous friends was an option, and perhaps it was, but it wasn't really ever communicated. So I forged these relationships with my roommates (turned best friends) where we could wake up every morning and sit in someone's bed and talk about our lives.

Interestingly, I learned a lot more about them, isn't that funny? I understood why they do certain things or what makes them the kind of people they are; it's this different dimension of closeness. I think it's a miracle that I got so lucky when I came to college, but I also took precautions. 

We've all been wronged. We've all been hurt by people we thought cared about us, but people can change; that doesn't necessarily mean they will. Be wary of that. I like to think of myself as a very observational person, and for many people, when I have a hunch about someone, it's usually right, but that doesn't mean I haven't been hit with a bitch of a curveball. I suppose I believe in second chances, but not thirds. If someone cares about you enough and wants you in their life, they won't make the same mistake twice, especially when you've communicated hurt. It's essential to have a conversation with someone when you're upset with them, so they can have the opportunity to fix it. Pick up on action and reaction. When you tell someone they've hurt you, how do they respond? Observe intention and think about motive. Did someone do something with the intention of hurting you? And do that for yourself as well (I'm a big believer in self-awareness). Be the bigger person, it's so much less time-consuming, and it has a greater impact to react less to something than be malicious. 

Some people just want to cause hurt, and there's no point in keeping them around. You don't have to be mean about it if you don't want to, but send them on their way, and let them learn without you, so they don't continue to hurt other people. It's not selfish. It's self-preservation. Sometimes you have to put yourself first to prioritize the people who genuinely care for you in life.

When I came to college, I was excited to bring new people into my life, but I wasn't expecting what I would learn about friendship. Up until college, aside from my family, I didn't have a grasp of true genuine friendship. But, finally, I'm learning. It takes time, and it is hard to remove people from your life, especially when you feel like it's all you have. But, chances are, other people are waiting out there for you; you just need to make a little room for them.

The most important thing you can do in a friendship, is treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t be a bitch, and don’t take shit from bitches

Love You

XOXOXO 

DANI