Hook-Up Culture

I'm well aware that a sizable portion of my brand is based on chronically hating men. Alas, despite my jokes, degrading references, and epically hilarious stories about the times I've emasculated the male gender, I don't entirely hate them all. It comes down to this… appreciation and respect should be earned, not just given. This concept somewhat mended my relationship with men and myself, I'll explain why. I realize it seems mildly heteronormative for me to generalize and speak only on heterosexual relationships, but I can only write what I know. And to be fair, I have only had excellent intimate experiences with girls, at least at this point in my life. Although, if it's applicable and it resonates, run with it. 

Back on track; guys, relationships, hooking up, sex, whatever. In our adolescence and teen years, exploring sexuality and intimacy seems to be one of the most prevalent things in many people's lives; for both women and men. Yet, for some reason, it holds constant over our heads. I think it's because it's something so many people are trying to figure out, and no one knows what the fuck is going on. At its root, it's a mess.  

I've watched as my friends have had their hearts broken by the stickiest of boys since I was 14. I've had a predisposition for love before I even got to high school. But just because I was a non-believer to immature high school relationships doesn't mean I was asexual. There came the point in my life-long timeline that I was indulging in purely physical relationships to compensate for the lack of emotional connection. This depleted my self-worth before I was even 16. I had this skewed perception of my purpose to men because of the way I let them treat me, and in turn, treated myself. The cherry on top is that I was sexually assaulted the summer before my senior year. Just like so, the only coveted part I had left of myself was gone as well; my autonomy. I then went into a relationship with my best friend that ended with us not speaking for months, and even now, we're nothing shy of strangers. 

Okay, so what. Like, why does any of this matter to any of you? Fab question. I never had anyone to tell me to just stop and take a look at myself in all these years of my life. I never had anyone tell me my worth is not defined by what boys think of me when we're alone. If I had someone just tell me (and mean it) that I could go through my whole high school experience without giving myself away like the way I was, I'd still turn out okay. It came to a point where I had finally really liked someone, but I couldn't emotionally reciprocate my feelings because I didn't know how (I was also simultaneously grappling with my sexual assault and couldn't bear the sensation of a dudes hands on my body without internally having a panic attack.) I had spent so long emotionally detaching myself from physical relationships that when I had finally found something supposedly "real," I didn't know how to handle it. After that, I had loved someone I couldn't show I loved that I just stopped. I don't think I had a crush or hooked up with anyone for nearly 9 months. Single-handedly, those were the happiest 9 months I'd had in a while. I'd fully come to terms with my sexuality and the fact that I love women too (it'd been obvious for a time), I'd stopped blaming myself for what happened to me, and I mended my relationship with my body. Just then, I finally raised my standards. It's cool when you realize you're hot and you don't have to settle for less anymore. 

On my sexual hiatus, I came to realize that for myself, intimacy loses its touch the more I recklessly overuse and waste it on someone that isn't worth my time, which sucked. Full transparency, hooking up with people is fun, it feels good ( at least it should feel good), it's a liberating experience, and you don't want to ruin that with someone who's gonna hurt you. I used to think the highest of dudes in that I felt they deserved my time just for showing a tad bit of interest in me. Wrong. Don't put all your muffins in one basket, and just hand it off. This goes for anyone that you might want to be vulnerable with; you have to build trust and let them earn your respect. What this does is filter better guys into your life. They exist; you just have to find them, and when you do, their species won't feel so dull and make you seeth just over the thought of their existence <3 Let said people show you that they deserve your time, and in turn, you'll find that trust. But be confident in yourself, it's really all in the independence, allow yourself to see that you don't need any man. This ridiculous stigma around hook-up culture is, without a doubt, the most toxic thing our generation has cultivated in its short-lived life on earth thus far. As great as it can be, hooking up is not everything. Your life, reputation, and emotional well-being do not depend on it. It's not worth enough to lose yourself just for a few, probably deeply underwhelming minutes. 

If you haven't noticed the trend yet, it all comes back to you. It all comes back to your mental health and self-security. If you don't believe it when you tell yourself, then believe me when I tell you, you are worth so much; you're priceless even. If I had to describe that time in my life where I was just hooking up with any guy I deemed moderately attractive, it felt like spiraling, it felt sad, and it felt lonely. Being out of that stage of my life now, I can't believe I didn't realize it before. Evidently, after maturing out of that stage and growing as an individual, I saw that I wasn't alone in anything that I went through. And yes, even guys, as much as I want to blame them for everything, go through this too. Collectively, our generation has summoned this environment of competitiveness in nearly everything, including something as minor and simplistic as a kiss. Now obviously, I think we're far too gone and far too stubborn to actually fix it as a whole, but fixing it for yourself works just as well. I lived every day of my life in the validation of men (gag, vomit, punching the walls). But in the process of growing up and finding my own identity, I've started to live my life for myself and not seek the attention of dudes. And if you're a guy reading this, try forging an actual relationship with a woman that isn't sexually motivated. I promise you'll like what you find about platonic female friendships. And for both men and women, learn to appreciate the power of wholesomeness, really get to know someone, see who they are. In my experience, it makes the mildly underwhelming minutes slightly better ;) 

And lastly, as cliche and overused as this is, it stands to be true. You cannot love someone unless you love yourself. So spend time with yourself, get to know who you are, and then maybe you can scope out the slim availability pool that is generation Z. 

That’s all, use protection, pee after sex, and never let yourself believe you “need” a significant other. 

XOXOXO

DANI