Grade Definition

A teacher once described me in an email to my mother as "inconsistent at best." This is hilarious now and a true sentiment to my character, but at the time, I was furious and also had undiagnosed ADHD. My whole life, I've felt stupid. I've never been a straight-A student; I've always been considered a "slack off" or "lazy," and for a very long time, I was convinced I would go nowhere in life because of my grades. I didn't get tested for learning disabilities/attention deficit until midway through my sophomore year, when I finally gave up on the fact that no matter how hard I tried and how hard I studied, my grades and test scores wouldn't reflect my hard work. It's debilitating to grow up in an environment where you're taught that you essentially will go nowhere in life if you don't get good grades. The fuck? 

Albeit, I commend you if you get good grades, that's a wonderful skill set to have in your back pocket, but effectively they mean nothing in the course of your life and will not dictate your future. Grades do not define your intelligence, especially in the American school system. In my opinion, grades are a juvenile attempt at making people feel less than. I'm sure this time of year is incredibly stressful with college applications and SAT/ACT's going on; I was in the same boat. Let me give you some insight. When I'm writing this, I got back to my college dorm yesterday. My college dorm in a city that I've dreamed of living in since I was 5, studying a major that I've always wanted to pursue, at a college that will put me in the place I need to be with the resources to do so. And on paper, I was a fucking idiot in high school (at least for half of it). When I applied to my college, I was almost certain I wouldn't get in because of the grades I had to present for my freshman and sophomore years. Despite my extensive extracurriculars and involvement in clubs, sports, and community outreach, I was convinced all that mattered were my grades. In that period, after applying and awaiting my decisions, I was practically drowning in anxiety, even more so than I usually am. Just this horrible anticipation that is the waiting game of "the rest of your life ." Then I got in. I got in despite what I had been force-fed my entire life, despite thinking my grades weren't enough, and perhaps they weren't, but my extracurriculars and all that other hard work I did was enough. Then I realized what a sack of shit. What a lie! Some of the "smartest" people I knew, people with excellent grades, were getting rejected from schools they were supposed to get into. Rejection is hard, especially when it's from a school you really had your heart set on, but if I learned anything in the blur that was my senior year and these first few months of college, everyone ends up where they are supposed to be. Don't beat yourself up and degrade your own brilliance because one admissions officer didn't fuck with your essay enough or felt like you wouldn't be a "good fit" for their institution.    

Entirely, college is a scam, let me say that. Next, a degree is a degree, and even then, some of the most successful people in the world barely graduated high school. I'm at a school with intelligent, well-endowed professors learning alongside soon-to-be just as intelligent students. I'm pursuing college at this point in my life because I want to for myself, and honestly, because if I stop school, I won't ever go back. But gap years, gap semesters, community college, or no college at all are all options; and not options you should be ashamed of. Fuck whoever started the whole stigma that community college is for dumb people. Honestly, community and online college students save money and bag those credits. That sounds like a good business decision to me. Many people are quick to assume and fast to judge, in which case they're probably just bitter. And I won't elaborate on why (it's too layered, too much for me to explain in this installment). 

Now, none of this is to say you shouldn't try your best because honestly, all you can do in this world to succeed is work your hardest. Hard work will pay off, but traditional learning and grades are not a reasonable interpretation of hard work, nor are they effective in any way. 

I never asked questions or felt comfortable enough in my educational environment to ask for help out of fear of being perceived as stupid, but then again, as I always say, who gives a fuck. Your personal growth is way more important than what people think, and a good teacher will always be willing to help. I have many problems with authority/adults, which is rooted in my slew of childhood issues, but it definitely affected my relationships with teachers for a lot of my educational career.

 Education, in any form, is obviously a privilege and should not be taken for granted. I took so much for granted because I thought I didn't even deserve the chance to redeem myself. I turned my grades around and wholly altered my perspective on education and my future junior year. I was finally diagnosed and medicated for ADHD; I was accepted into an alternative learning program that was community, project-based learning, and for the first time, felt understood in a learning environment. This program was called LIFE School, and it was offered to select students who applied and were accepted. Funnily, I was actually rejected when I first applied, which made me legitimately suicidal. Lol. I thought that was my last chance at fixing my life, which is ridiculous. I was so deep in this hole of "good grades mean success" that I lost complete hope for my future because I'm not a test taker, my brain doesn't process information like that, and I basically just thought I was done for. After starting intense therapy following that self loathe moment at the end of my sophomore year, and finally understanding why I felt stupid since I could speak and why I couldn't conceive a single continuous thought, I explored what a lot of people in my town would consider being "unorthodox" career paths. Fashion. I took pre-college classes at FIT, started writing a lot more, and tried to rebuild my relationship with my mind. And then, I was accepted to LIFE school that summer before junior year. Whatever. All that said, LIFE School taught me this. LIFE school taught me real-world problems and real-life lessons to be learned that mean so much more than a grade on a multiple-choice test. I was rewarded for the hard work that I did myself that I could present and actually maintain as opposed to taking a test that probably gave me indigestion to study for.   

So, despite it all, I prevailed. Duh. I stopped caring about what people thought, put my own issues aside, and worked hard. I did the best I could and just hoped for the best. Everyone is different. Some people fuck with tests, traditional learning styles, and grades, which is cool, I guess, and some don't. Some need more time, more help, and some just need a break to figure it all out. Over everything, your mental health is most important because none of your accomplishments, even the minor ones, will hold any value to you if you're miserable. You don't have to know what you want right now. You don't have to have it all figured out and be perfect. This shit is so hard; it's so draining and scary, but I promise you can get through it, and everything will be alright. Don't let a grade or a college rejection hold power over your perception of yourself and your capabilities. If you had told me 3 years ago at my lowest, that in a few years I'd be living the life I've always dreamed of living, writing a column at a magazine that I work for about whatever I feel like, connecting with whoever reads this, I would have laughed at you. We are ever-changing, and our lives are constantly redefining themselves. Breathe. You will be the person you're meant to become. 

Your life is entirely what you make it. So take every opportunity, don't downplay your capabilities, and do your best. 

XOXOXO

DANI

P.S the cover photo of this is from when I got into the new school and cried for my mother <3