Heartfelt Transitions: The Making of 'I Left My Heart at Chapman University

In a world where college experiences shape not only our education but also our identities, Ryan Cartee takes us on a poignant journey through her film I Left My Heart at Chapman University. Blending heartfelt narratives with innovative storytelling techniques, Ryan captures the essence of personal growth, nostalgia, and the challenges of transition. From candid interviews with classmates to vlogs that document the raw moments of life as a student, her film resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of young adulthood. Join us as we delve into Ryan's creative process, the inspiration behind her project, and the lessons she’s learned throughout her filmmaking journey.

What inspired you to create I Left My Heart at Chapman University, and how did the idea evolve from your initial vision?

When I graduated high school, I made an 11 minute film called “Flash” that was full of videos, photos, voiceovers etc from the last 4 years, and before I even started at Chapman, I knew I wanted to make something like that to commemorate my time in college as well. I wrote down ideas in my notes app and literally have screenshots from 2019 of my plan for the film, but it honestly evolved so much and didn’t turn out like anything I thought it would. I really only planned for it to be just a little montage with maybe a few narrations here and there, but it turned out to be way longer than I originally envisioned, includes so many more personal experiences from my life, and even covers the first year of post-grad as well. It’s really cool to look back at those notes app entries and see how different the final product ended up being. And I think that also comes with just me growing into a different person over the years. I'm not the same girl I was in August of 2019, so how can I expect the film to be the same version of itself? I’m very happy with how it turned out, and definitely see parts of Flash in it. I see parts of my 17 year old self in my 22 year old self that made this film – not knowing how to navigate huge life transitions, feeling the anxiety of not knowing what comes next, leaving behind the only life you knew. Both films follow themes of change, and how the future is always uncertain but that there’s so much beauty in that. I’m really glad I was able to make meaningful and important films at such pivotal and formative times in my life. I honestly should rewatch Flash again…It’s been a minute. Although I know I’m gonna cringe at my past self but I think that’s the point.

Can you tell us about the moment when you first knew you wanted to document your college experience in this way?

As I mentioned above, I knew that I wanted to make something at the end of college like I did at the end of high school, but this project wasn’t something I actively thought about every single day of my college experience. It definitely was in the back of my head, but I naturally tend to document my life anyways, whether that be taking videos of hangouts with friends, taking film photos on set, or opening voice memos to talk about how I’m feeling that particular day. All of that was gathered once I started editing. Of course there were certain things I documented/created specifically for the film, like all the sit down interviews, animations, specific shots around campus and my old apartment, and recording all the voiceovers or certain videos of me talking, but for the most part it was just all formed around all the content I had documented over the last 4 years.

You mention that the film includes over 60 interviews—how did you choose who to feature, and what were those conversations like?

A lot of the main interviews in the film were either my close friends, classmates, coworkers, or professors/authority figures I had a good rapport with. I also pulled people aside at random parties and gatherings and even just around campus to do shorter ones with them just to include as many people from my class in it as possible. I also posted on my Instagram in April of 2023 [when I started doing interviews] to see if there were people that wanted to be included from there as well. It honestly was so fun doing all of them because it genuinely just felt like I was having a conversation. I recorded them all on my iPhone around different spots on campus and it was the chillest thing ever. I don’t think it would have felt as genuine if I had done them in a studio or even with my camera. I had so many genuine and heartfelt conversations with so many people and it was such a great way to reflect on the last 4 years of college. I was able to talk to so many people I probably wouldn’t have, reconnect with old friends, and get to know my professors a little better beyond the classroom. I really can’t think of a better way to have ended my senior year.

With such a personal film, how did you balance vulnerability with storytelling?

I think vulnerability is the only thing worth anything. So much of the narrative is led by people being open about their experiences and how they felt at different times in their lives. The film wouldn’t be what it is if there was no vulnerability. I consider myself to be an open book in general and I think the film really reflects that. I sometimes get in my head about oversharing things, especially online and even in the film, but I’ve found that it is so much better to be open and honest about who you are and how you feel than the girl in the corner who doesn’t allow herself to be known. At the end of the day we are all human just craving connection, and we all want to feel less alone.

What was the most challenging aspect of piecing together such a diverse range of media—vlogs, voice memos, photos, and animations?

Honestly it was very challenging. I feel like I had so much content I knew I wanted to put in the film, but it was really hard figuring out how those pieces fit together and what the flow of the film was gonna be. I had hours and hours of interviews to look through, hundreds of photos in my camera roll to organize, an insane amount of videos I wanted to use for different montages, the list goes on. I think it ended up being around 700gb of media on my hard drive. It was so daunting opening an empty Premiere timeline in January of 2023 when I first sat down to edit it because it was like, I have all this content, but no idea where to even start or how to make everything somewhat cohesive. Starting was the hardest part of it all, I think.

I remember I had a vague vision of what I wanted the intro/first minute of the film to look like, so I led with that, but then I didn’t touch the project for about a year and it took me from February to August [of this year] to officially finish it. I decided to split up the film into chapters [freshman-senior year of college and the first year post-grad] which also made the editing process smoother. Instead of feeling like I was working on this crazy huge film about the last 5 years of my life, I was able to break it up and only focus on certain sections at a time. It felt less intimidating and also helped me create somewhat of a structure.

One of my screenwriting professors I had during my freshman year of college also said “documentaries are the most elastic form of media – you can put anything you want in them” and I tried to keep that in mind while I was editing. I had complete creative freedom over literally everything, so I kind of just got to mess around and see what stuck and what didn’t, what felt right and what didn’t etc. Overtime I got into a rhythm, and it eventually became so much easier knowing what went where. I would rewatch certain parts over and over and if I was stuck on something, it was like “well duh, let’s put a little drawing right here – or – I know exactly what video has to go right here” if that makes sense. It was almost like a secret language that I had with myself that was hard to communicate sometimes but I always ended up being able to translate it.

I think so much of the interviews also helped progress the film too. Something that someone would say would prompt a specific memory or a certain topic I wanted to dive into next, and it all just eventually flowed together in a way that I was super happy with. So much of it is just listening to your gut as well, and trusting your vision. I didn’t have anyone watch cuts and I didn’t get notes on anything, partly because I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone featured in it but also because I just wanted it to be my own thing since it was so personal to me. I’m sure there are people who have watched it that think certain things could have been pieced together differently, but I learned to just trust what I felt was right and take pride in certain creative decisions because at the end of the day, if the only person who is happy with the film is me, that is fine by me.

Were there moments when you felt discouraged or unsure about finishing the film, and how did you push through those creative ruts?

Oh all the time. I feel like during the whole process I went back and forth from feeling super confident about it and like “wow, this is the best thing I’ve ever made!” but then simultaneously convincing myself that this was the dumbest thing in the world and that nobody was going to care about it. There was no inbetween. It got really bad though in the month leading up to the screening in early September. I was so close to being officially done and exporting it, but all I wanted to do was just delete the entire project because the thought of people actually seeing it terrified me (even though the venue for the screening was booked back in march, lol.) I wanted to cancel the screening and delete the Instagram I made for it and just never think about it ever again, but looking back it’s like girl, doing those things would have been so dumb. Hahaha. I think it just all of a sudden felt real and I was filled with so much worry and anxiety about whether or not people were going to come, what they were gonna think, how I was gonna be perceived after this etc. All the usual stuff that comes with putting out any sort of art into the world.

But as I’ve had time to reflect, I realized that the imposter syndrome and self doubt were so prominent, and felt so different than anything else I’ve experienced with other projects, because of the fact it was such a personal project I cared so much about and poured so much love, time, and energy into. Those feelings of self doubt are supposed to happen, especially when you make things that mean a lot to you, and although it was uncomfortable to feel those things, I’m glad that I did.

I think it’s really important to take time away from a project and come back to it especially if you’re feeling the imposter syndrome creep back in, and I think that’s what really helped me the most throughout the 6 months I spent editing and completing the film. There were some days where I spent 12 hours working on it and was in such a groove, and then some days where I was so critical of every single thing about it and decided to not touch it all for weeks. It really allowed me to get out of my head and remember why I was even making it in the first place.

In terms of the soundtrack, how did you select music that matched the emotional tone of the film?

I love the soundtrack of the film. I had so much fun choosing what songs went in it and why. All of the songs used remind me of specific times in my life. Too Late To Turn Back Now by Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose immediately takes me back to my first semester at Chapman, The Two of Us by Omar Apollo was the anthem of my first heartbreak, Everlasting Light by The Black Keys signaled life feeling somewhat normal again, Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells was the song I listened to religiously the last couple months of college. It was all so calculated. I really tried my best to be super intentional with this film, and I feel like that’s always just a goal of mine in general – to be intentional with everything I do.

You describe this film as your heart on a silver platter. How does it feel to finally share it with the world?

It genuinely felt like I gave birth. Like truly. I’ve never worked on a project of that caliber for that long, let alone by myself, or have ever hosted a screening of my own. I’ve had stuff I worked on in film school screen, but this felt really different than any other one for some reason. I hate hosting events and planning things, because it feels like all the attention is on me (which I also hate) but I’m really glad I decided to do a screening because it was such a rewarding feeling. It was so crazy seeing people actually take time out of their busy lives to come see my movie. It was kind of like oh, people actually care about what I have to say???? As a person but also as an artist??? It’s just like so crazy, I don’t even know. People were laughing and crying at all the right moments. I feel like I tend to put a lot of my self worth in my creative projects and the success of them, and I think because this film felt like the biggest project I will ever make, at least on my own, it was hard for me to not do that. One negative Letterboxd review and all of a sudden I was rethinking everything. But I’m actively trying to work on that and reminding myself that I should be proud of the work I create regardless of how well it does on say social media or with an audience. I’m actively trying to work on being open to constructive criticism and I know there is still so much for me to learn but I think I feel really proud of myself for even pulling through and finishing such a huge project. The whole process was just affirming the idea that you can really do anything you put your mind to which maybe sounds cheesy but most cheesy things in life are true.

I Left My Heart at Chapman University isn’t just a personal story but a collective one. How do you think it captures the broader experience of the Class of 2023?

I think this film is so universal and touches on so many topics that I hope everyone can relate to no matter the age, but it’s also such a time capsule for the class of 2023 specifically. Having every year of college be so different and going through all of that together was such a unique and bonding experience, even if it didn’t feel like it at the moment. Like getting your freshman year of college cut short due to COVID was truly only an experience the class of 2023 went through, and will only go through. Unless there’s another deadly virus waiting to shut the world down again… but let’s hope that doesn’t happen. And even though everyone is different and has entirely different experiences, we were all at the same place [Chapman] experiencing this universal rite of passage that college is as a whole, together, and I was able to document it all, and that is very special to me. I think we tend to have more in common with each other than we might think, and I hope that people from the class of 2023 can see themselves somewhere in this film, whether it’s physical or not.

The theme of change is central to the film. How did you personally navigate the transitions and changes you experienced during your college years?

Change is truly what this film is all about, and I’ve never been someone who is good at dealing with it. I am too nostalgic and sentimental about the passage of time and the weight of the world tends to feel like it is sitting right on my shoulders. I journal about my feelings, record voice memos, talk to myself on Photobooth… and that’s really what this film is just a compilation of. Documenting how I feel and making meaningful art about said feelings is all I know how to do during times of change or transition. But I think the only thing you really can do is just let it happen – because the only constant thing in life is change.

Did you find that making this film helped you process your own feelings about graduation and entering the next phase of your life?

Definitely. I’m really glad that I finished and released the film when I did because I feel like it feels more genuine than it could have been if I finished it right at the end of senior year like I planned to. I’m glad I allowed myself to take some time after graduating because for those first 6 months I honestly had no idea how I was even feeling about anything. Living back at home was weird, finding a job was hard, I was extremely burnt out, and I felt so depressed and anxious about my life every single day. I was trying to be excited about this new chapter of my life, yet I was still wishing I lived in the old one. I was in no position to give this film as much love and care that it deserved, and I did not want this film to just be a sob story about missing college so much and how hard life after it is. I wanted it to highlight how fun that time of life can be, but also that the fun doesn’t stop once you graduate. In fact, your life is just beginning. And I think just sitting in all those uncomfortable feelings during that time was so necessary in helping me a) not only navigate this new phase of my life, but also get to a place where I genuinely felt excited about it too, and b) truly reflect on college as a whole and reach a point where I could reminisce about it but not want to go back. The whole process of making this film was genuinely really healing, and honestly just made me feel really grateful about everything that’s happened in my life up until this point.

How did you use visual elements, like montages and animations, to convey the emotional highs and lows of your college journey?

I think music plays a huge part in conveying the emotional tone. I wasn’t going to put a sad slow song over a montage of me hanging out with my friends and being excited for in person school again, and I wasn’t going to put a happy upbeat song over videos of me moving out of my college apartment. I think the animations also illustrated things I was feeling at different times in my life as well and definitely were refreshing to see after a chunk of interviews and people just talking. They felt like good transitions that kept the flow of the film lively. I think I really loved including all the videos of me talking on Photobooth as well, because those also kind of provided a new perspective about certain experiences and times in my life. It kind of felt like me talking to and reflecting with my past selves. Videos of me being sad about my first heartbreak and how I was feeling at that time would play, and then I would cut to a video of me on Photobooth I took while editing talking about how it felt so hard in the moment, but that I got through it. It was like wow, I felt this way then, and I feel this way now, and you are seeing in real time the evolution of me growing and changing. I wanted the videos of me talking to the camera to feel like I was on Facetime just talking about how I felt, whether it was about something good or bad.

What message or feeling do you hope viewers will take away after watching the film?

I think the main thing I hope people take away is just knowing that change is inevitable and even though it’s weird and hard, it's also beautiful and necessary. Because like I said, change is what this film is about, truly. It's as simple as that. Life would be so boring if we stayed the same and we are better people because we don’t. We’re supposed to go through hard things, we’re supposed to make mistakes, we’re supposed to feel things deeply – we’re supposed to get a haircut we hate, date the wrong person, choose the wrong job, realize that we don’t feel how we thought we would. Everything leads you to where you are today and none of any sort of growth would happen if you didn’t change at any point.

With such a deeply personal project, were there any moments you hesitated to include in the final cut? If so, what made you decide to keep them in?

Yes – so many, actually. I was really nervous to include stuff about my first heartbreak, my mental health struggles, how lost and sad I felt after college ended etc, because so many of those sections have videos of me crying or just talking on Photobooth about my feelings… which is like, very personal! But I found that those were the things that people told me they related to most after seeing it. I feel like they are such universal feelings and experiences that we all go through at some point in our lives, and I’m glad I resisted the urge to let my anxiety win and cut them. I tried to remind myself that at least one person probably relates to these feelings, and that I was going to regret not including them because they were such pivotal and important things I went through. I was also nervous to include parts about me cheating during COVID, the time I left class to go to a bar, and also the time my friend and I paid one of our other friends in Chick-Fil-A to do one of our finals at the end of our senior year, especially because the dean of Chapman ended up attending the screening… I’m not sure he needed to know about those things, but what is he gonna do? Take away my degree? (I hope not)

How did Chapman University itself, as a space and community, influence your experience and this film?

I really would not be who I am without Chapman. It’s a miracle that the stars aligned in the way they did and that I was able to even go there, considering it was literally my dream school since my junior year of high school. I know 16 year old Ryan is really proud of me. But I think the people make a place more than anything. My Chapman experience wouldn’t have been what it was if it weren’t for the people. I feel really lucky to have met such great friends, collaborators, mentors, professors, etc, and for how involved with the school I was able to be. I loved my on campus job and I took so many great classes. I was in different clubs and organizations that allowed me to grow so much. There’s just something about the quaint little town of Orange as well. It’s the perfect college town in my eyes. I just loved everything about Chapman and I don’t think I would have even gone to the lengths to make this kind of film if I didn’t enjoy my time or the people there. I will always feel so much gratitude and love for that school and time in my life.

What was it like revisiting old photos, texts, and journal entries during the editing process? Did any memories or emotions surprise you?

It was definitely emotionally taxing at points. Some days it was just a “well that was then and this is now” kind of thing, and some days the crippling weight of nostalgia felt so heavy. Whether it was looking at old photos and texts with people I’m not close to anymore, or journal entries from a weird time in my life, it was a constant reminder of the past and that these were all the people I used to be. There’s this one quote by my favorite writer @ChloeInLetters on IG that I think encompasses how it felt:

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry that we can’t go back! And for all the things we can’t remember. But I’m glad we did it! The love will always be there!”

One minute you’re in the middle of a moment and then all of a sudden that moment was a very long time ago. One minute you spend everyday with someone and then all of a sudden you haven’t talked to them in months. One minute you think your life will be a certain way forever and then all of a sudden you can’t even recognize your old routine. There are so many memories and versions of myself that were documented and watching them through a screen especially was so weird because it felt like I could just reach out and grab them with my own two hands. The girl recording her last night in her dorm room, the girl recording herself the first day back of in person classes, the girl recording herself the morning of graduation – they all felt like they were right there in front of me. They felt so close but were so far away. But alas things have changed and there will never be a world where I will ever be able to go back and I’m really glad I can’t because the memories and love will always be there and that is enough for me.

Now that the project is finished, what’s next for you creatively? Do you see yourself making more films of this nature in the future?

Honestly I am not sure. It’s been a month and half of the film being out and I feel like I’ve been trying to just exist as a human right now because of how much it took out of me, lol. The feedback, support, and positive messages I received about the film really mean so much and I feel like I’ve just been trying to bask in all of that and relax. I’m always trying to stay creative and work on random projects here and there, but I don’t think I will ever make something like this ever again. My friends have joked that I should interview all the same people when we turn 30 and make a documentary about being in our twenties. Hahaha. We'll see. But I think this film was everything it needed to be at this point in my life and I am excited for what’s to come.

After chatting with Ryan, it’s clear that I Left My Heart at Chapman University is more than just a film; it's a celebration of the friendships, memories, and life lessons that shape us. Ryan's dedication to authenticity and vulnerability shines through in every frame, inviting viewers to reflect on their own journeys. With her unique perspective on the college experience and a knack for storytelling, Ryan is undoubtedly poised for a bright future in filmmaking. We look forward to seeing where her creativity will take him next, and how her experiences will continue to inspire others.