How I want 40 Year Old Me To See Me
by Dani Meyler
I make questionable decisions, clearly, I write a column titled Unhealthy Habits™. That being said, I never dwell on my decisions after the fact. Here’s why.
For a period of time in my life, I never saw myself even graduating high school, I never thought I’d make it to 18, or the start of college, I just didn’t believe it for myself. And then I did it. I did all those things and more. I made it beyond the expiration date I made for myself and I found a life much greater than I ever anticipated. A life full of love and growth, a life full of happiness and optimism, a life that is entirely what I make of it. I know I joke around and say I can’t see myself living past 40, which makes my mom moderately upset, but let me just clarify, it doesn’t mean I’m just gonna turn 40 and kill myself, it means I have no clue what to expect for myself at 40 because so far, life has presented itself as unpredictable, just as it always has.
The other day I started thinking about what 40 year old me is gonna think about teenage me? What is that hoe gonna have to say about the person she used to be? And it got me thinking about who and what I am now. Let’s be honest, at 40 I might just be everything I despise; a domesticated suburban housewife who drives her children to school in an SUV and watches Bravo. Or not, I have no clue. Nonetheless, I am not gonna have the same freedom, the same opportunity, the same flexibility in my already agile joints, I’m gonna have adult problems, and I’m gonna be fucking 40. If there’s any time to live carelessly and freely, it’s now; at least while I’m still on my parent’s health insurance.
We all make mistakes, we all severely fuck up, we all make rash decisions. That’s fine. I don’t want to look back at myself in 22 years and only regret that I hadn’t done more. Realistically, based on who I am, if I’m certain about anything of 40, it’s that I’m not gonna look back and think “good thing I didn’t do that one thing that one time.” Unless it’s like murder or something, not that I would murder anyone but I think you get my point. Like I said, life is entirely what you make it, and if I’m right about being a suburbia mom servant, there isn’t gonna be much time for fun. Not real fun, not the kind of fun that makes you forget time, the kind of fun that is all-consuming, the type of fun that feels like your riding an ecstasy high (don’t do non-fda approved drugs). The thrill of getting lost in a beautiful new place, the excitement of falling in love, the butterflies you feel in the pit of your stomach when you talk to your crush, the gratification of nailing a job interview. The pleasures of young adulthood come quick and end quicker. I’ve only noticed my life speeding up as I grow older and honestly I’m not down with that. Each moment you have the chance is a moment to be taken advantage of, even if it turns out… not the greatest. At the end of the day, whatever happened, happened. Time machines don’t exist yet (not to our common knowledge) nothing can be done to change the past and that’s okay. At least now you have a good story to tell once you move forward!
Obviously, fun is whatever you want it to be, and you don’t have to do batshit insane things, but I do encourage you to step outside your comfort zone once in a while. As much as I deeply despise this phrase, you quite literally, only get one life (I think) I don’t see the point in playing it safe. I want to look back at myself in 20 some odd years and be jealous of the life I lived. But I also want that married bitch to be proud. The fun doesn’t have to be partying or traveling or love, fun can be working to succeed in school, fun can be taking every opportunity handed to you and making the most of it. If living in New York City has taught me anything, it’s that you should never pass anything up, and try everything once. Life is a learning experience. Life is to be lived, not imagined. I spent a lot of time in high school imagining my life, what it could have been, and let me say this, that was miserable. Opportunity creates experiences. Experiences promote growth, they teach you things about yourself and the world around you, they allow you to appreciate what you have and strive for what you want. Similarly, they can show you who you are and who you can be.
I try to do good, I try to give back as often as I can, I try to be forgiving of myself and others. There’s no better opportunity to do things than in the present. Not next week, or month and definitely not year(s); now. I’m happy I made it through the years of my life where I never thought I would because what I have now makes up for all of it, and I can’t wait for what’s next.
When I’m 40 and pumped full of Juvederm and botox, I also want to look back at myself and be happy that I was finally able to say the things I could never say before. I no longer leave things unsaid. Speak up for yourself, advocate for your existence, push for what you want. No successful person will ever tell you “I got to where I am by being silent”. You have a voice, use it.
I try not to hate anyone without reason because hate is draining, a life full of hate, to me, is a life full of misery and misery is certainly, no fun. I see no point in wasting what’s left of my youth on missed opportunity and pessimism. I like being memorable, and at 40, I definitely want to be the kind of person that no one ever forgot. There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to become, make the most of what you have. No decision (within the realm of legality and moderate safety) is a bad decision. Try not to think about the “what ifs” of life, just um, do it.
Live your life on your own terms, not on the terms of someone else. Dress how you want to dress, love who you want to love, be who YOU want to be. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time. Go through life in a way that 40 year old you can be happy they got to live.
The unfortunate reality of existence is that you cannot make every person love, like, understand or even accept who you are, but fortunately, it doesn’t matter. <3 Just do the damn thing.
That’s all.
XOXOXOXO
DANI
(on a side note some people tend to take what I say very seriously as though every single word I write should be implemented into every reader’s life, that’s not the point of this. Take what you can from it, whether it’s all of it or none of it. The world, including my silly little column, is your oyster)
